meets C-3PO?

January 19th, 2010 |


Soaking in the world and spitting it out, one blog post at a time. Consider me the Clark Kent of web stories without the cool glasses, the fancy suit and, well, the muscles.

If you haven’t seen “Lars and The Real Girl” starring Ryan Gosling of “The Notebook,” you should. It’s an interesting story about a man who finds a companion in, well, a sex doll. And with Gosling’s on-screen charm, he can get away with something that audacious because, well, it’s just a film after all and we love him. However, in real life, it’s a bit strange to me.

At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, we moved one step closer to “Lars and the Real Girl” thanks to the New Jersey based company, True Companion. This company, headed by Douglas Hines, has created a life size (I feel weird saying this) sexbot at 5-foot 7-inches and 120lbs, complete with life like flesh. And, dare I forget to mention, her name is Roxxxy. I personally think the model at CES looks like Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders…creepy. And ladies, don’t feel left out. There is a male version of Roxxxy coming out by the name of Rocky.

Somewhere, Sylvester Stallone is cringing…

Now if you buy Roxxxy, you also get a laptop that you can use to upgrade her with overtime, so she can carry a conversation with you on the topics of your choosing. And if that annoying laptop gets in the way of your alone time (I know I hate when a girl I’m interested in has a laptop sticking out of her back) you can use her built in Wi-Fi so she can get the latest updates. Along with being able to change things on Roxxxy from her hair color to her cup size, you can also change her personality.

If you want someone with experience, you can upload Roxxxy with the Mature Martha program. If you’re into kinkier fodder, go after S&M Susan. I am not, unfortunately, making this stuff up.  According to the website, the robot, “knows your name, your likes and dislikes, can carry on a discussion and expresses her love to you and be your loving friend. She can talk to you, listen to you and feel your touch.”

So what’s all this affection going to cost you?

Somewhere between $7,000 and $10,000. Which makes me wonder, if you have that much to spend on a robot, why not just spend that on yourself in hopes of getting a REAL companion?

So with an $8,000 (imaginary) budget, I decided to see what a person could do that would help in getting a real companion. First off, a haircut. Not just any haircut. Since I have $8,000 to look good, I’m going for a Stephen Knoll cut for about $200. This guy cuts the hair of Anne Hathaway and Mick Jagger, and that’s awesome.

My clothes will need an upgrade as well. Since I think Armani sounds fancy, I’ll pick up black wool Armani suit for a cool $1,916.00. I clearly need an awe-inspiring ride now, so how about a very James Bond Aston Martin DB9 courtesy of Gotham Dream Cars, which will only set me back $2,950 for the weekend. If you haven’t been keeping count, I’ve spent $5,066 so far.

At this point I would be a conversation piece on wheels, so now so I need to make my way to somewhere where I can be seen.  Being in New York, I’m not going to the typical 40/40 club. Remember I need to stand out, and if Jay-Z shows up he’s going to take my spotlight. So we’ll hit up a couple bars around the city and I’ll set aside $1,000 for the drinks and whatnot and…wait… just wait a minute.

I can’t do this anymore.

Put it like this. With $8,000, I can literally buy myself a new life for at least one amazing weekend, but what I can’t buy is a companion. No matter how much you spend, at the end of the day a robot is still a robot. A hamster has more emotions than Roxxxy. A Snuggie can keep you warm way better than this thing and you don’t even have to worry about a Snuggie electrocuting you. If I sound bitter at the thought a sexbot, I have reason to. I was raised on “The Matrix” and “Terminator” flicks which taught me that robots are the enemies and will try to destroy us in due time.

Except for those Roomba robot vacuums. They can stay.

So if you plan on spending $8,000 on this thing, it’s your loss. If you want to feel good about yourself, treat yourself to a night out, set up a Match.Com profile, or donate the money to a noble cause. In either one of these cases you’ll have a better chance at talking to a real person and having an authentic night you can remember without feeling ashamed in the morning.

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Sunil Ramsamooj